So the dreaded doctor’s appointment was today.
I surprised myself and didn’t feel as nervous as I had anticipated. I felt reassured by the knowledge that many friends and family were praying for the three of us, and that the whole situation is in God’s hands.
We first went to the midwife, Jill, at the family clinic. She weighed Mayana, and Mayana proceeded to wee all over her scales (what else is a girl to do when the cold air hits her tooshie!?). Jill announced that Mayana had put on just under 100grams!!!! Yay! We had a good chat, Jill reassured us that everything is fine – once any problems are ruled out we can pretty much just be sure that she is a small baby.
So off we went to the GP. Like usual, my doctor was running late. Fortunately Mayana was easily entertained by a combination of the fish tank in the waiting room, and her Papa’s finger to chew on (it is, evidently, much more satisfying than her dummy at the moment). Mayana managed to still be in a happy mood when our doctor called us in, and for the first time in her lifetime, actually gave the doctor big smiles for the whole visit – I don’t think Dr believed us that Mayana could smile, lol. Our GP’s scales must be a bit different to Jill’s, as on those scales, she had gained just over 100g. She now weighs 3.7ish kilos, is 54cm long and has a head circumference of 38cm. My doctor was reasonably happy with that gain, though she asked us to come in weekly to get weighed. I put on my brave mummy face, and told her that I would prefer to go and see Jill at the family clinic fortnightly instead, but if she liked I would let her know of weight updates. She agreed, and I felt proud, even though it is seemingly a small battle to have ‘won’, I stood up to my doctor for the first time ever, instead of just nodding and agreeing like a good little girl.
So, I am feeling much better about the whole situation now. I was going to a pretty bad place last week, and I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to reach out to a friend for help, before I let it get too far.
Not many people know this, but about 18 months ago, I went through a pretty dark, depressive stage. I hardly ate, and slept my way through nearly a month of my life. The whole episode lasted probably closer to three months, but the middle month was my darkest. I seriously have a month that I barely even remember. It was a horrible time, and I remember feeling very hollow, numb, tired, lonely, scared…unhappy. I was hardly able to let Pete in to what I was feeling, and he was very concerned about me – I can’t imagine that I was much fun to live with!
I know that God got me out of there. I spent a lot of time reading my Bible, journaling, and eventually got brave and talked to my Mum. It’s been a long time since I left that place behind. Over the last 18 months, I have occasional days where I feel those pangs of anxiety, or can feel myself beginning to get dragged down but I fight not to give into it. Last week was one of those times when I could feel myself sinking again. I spent most of the week in tears, the smallest thing would set me off. On Friday, Pete had to go to uni, and the thought of him leaving me at home on my own with Mayana was just too overwhelming. I had two choices. I could stay at home, dwell on what I thought was ‘wrong’ with Mayana, the doubts about my mothering that kept attacking my thoughts… or I could reach out and admit I needed someone.
I realised that I have Mayana now, I cannot afford to let myself go back to that horrible place, I have to eat, have to be awake, have to look after my precious daughter. So I rang my friend. I know it seems dumb, but it was a big step, and one that I definitely needed to take. I spent the morning with my friend, talking, playing with our baby girls.. I shared my story with her, and she shared hers with me. I think I might be surprised if I knew how many people had been ‘there’.
You know what? By the end of that visit I felt 110% better. I felt good about the decisions I had made for Mayana. I felt loved, blessed to be cared about by such a gorgeous, generous, kind-hearted woman. I felt relieved that I had someone I could turn to without burdening my beautiful husband. I didn’t feel worried or lonely anymore. I feel so blessed that after 3 years here, I have friends that I feel I can call when I’m down (though I’m also sure that’s more a growth on my part, than a fault of other friends).
I honestly haven't felt that intense worry about the whole situation since Friday, and today, any remains of that burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I know that I am doing the right thing for my baby girl, and I know that she is healthy and well. I am never again going to let someone make me doubt myself where my daughter is concerned.
I’m sorry for that huge ramble.. I had no idea when I started this post that it was headed in that direction, but clearly, I needed to get it all out!
Before I go, I just wanted to share this devotion with you. It is from Word4u2day, a daily email devotional from UCB. It really challenged me, I could see it in the context of my current situation…
Genesis 50:20 TM
Yesterday we faced up to the reality that life can be painful, that things in our lives can go horribly wrong. It did for Joseph (read Genesis 37 - 50)! At first you think, will anything ever go right for this poor guy? He gets laughed at, bullied, beat up and left for dead by his brothers before they decide to sell him. As a result he has to live in Egypt as a slave, his boss's wife tells lies about him and he's thrown into prison, where he's forgotten about! Nothing's gone well and it's not even his fault. What's going on? At the end of his life, this is what Joseph says to his brothers, 'You planned evil against me but God used those same plans for my good'. Rather than get angry, bitter and plot revenge, Joseph put his trust in God. No matter what was happening, Joseph kept on living for God. Later, he recognized how God had worked in His life all along. God used all the mess to enable him to save the lives of thousands, including the lives of his family. He had no reason to be angry but every reason to be thankful. Romans 8:28 NAS says, 'And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God...' Remember today that no disaster, disease or delay is beyond God turning it into something good
I realise, that though last week was horrible, and the enemy used the experience to get thoughts of doubt and anxiety into my head.. by trusting God through it all, leaning on Him, I have had the revelation that God entrusted Mayana to Peter and I for a reason. We are the best that He has for her. He knows that we are capable of loving, and looking after that little girl, of raising her to the best she can be. My ‘something good’ that came from this ‘something bad’ is a renewed confidence in my ability to look after, to mother, my daughter.