Thursday, 28 May 2009

heart strings

Being a mum is the most incredible thing in the entire world.

There is such a jumble of emotions that are constantly sitting at the surface waiting for an excuse to irrupt.

Love, of course - an overwhelming love that is indescribable and you will never understand it until you become a parent.
Excitement - because this little person that was small enough to fit on the head of a pin when you found out about her is now a someone who you can hold onto, who depends on you, and who does something new and wonderful every single day.
Nervousness - because she is so completely dependent on you, and you don't want to let her down.

There are a whole gamut of emotions - you feel more than you thought was possible.

Yesterday, I had a uni assessment which was being filmed, and Pete is on prac - and I couldn't take Mayana with me. So for the first time, I left her with someone other than Pete or my parents - and it's the first time I left her when she wasn't asleep. I took her to playgroup, where my friends from church were, and left her with them. I was feeling totally fine with this plan - I wasn't worried about it at all, I completely trust the people I was leaving her with, Mayana knows them, I was only going to be a few hours. I dropped her off no worries, but the moment I got into the car I felt .. awful. It felt so wrong to be driving away from her. My head knew that she would be fine, probably wouldn't even miss me, but my heart so wanted to be with her.

My head was right. She apparently was really good, even had a sleep, and loved being fussed over by the little girls. And my heart was appeased by the precious smiles my girl gifted me with when I walked in and picked her up.

I now know what that old saying, tugging at the heart strings, really means.

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