Dear Reuben {seven months}

letter to Reuben.. seven months. I just realised as I started to write his eight month letter that I hadn’t published this one! Oops!

Hey Little Mister!

Seven months already! We’re on the slippery slope to you leaving babyhood behind forever. It’s bittersweet… I’ll miss bubba-you, but every day you just get to be more fun!

You do so much now! You can sit up for hours on end – though you haven’t quite worked out how to get from lying down to sitting up just yet. You very intentionally can get yourself back to the lying position though – it’s essential for your newest trick… you my boy are on the move!! I wouldn’t call what you do crawling just at this point, but you’ve advanced beyond the army crawl and do this sort of caterpillar/floor-swimming thing. You're having great fun exploring the house, and so far have discovered the playroom (your sister is fast learning to pick up after herself, you have a penchant for putting things in your mouth!) and the garage.. we got you out of there quick-smart! You tried to follow Papa into the bathroom tonight, but got distracted when you found yourself under the dining room table. You occupied yourself under there for quite some time, until you somehow got yourself caught between the legs of some chairs and the foot of the table! In the last few days you’ve been starting to get your knees in on the action, and your speed has increased dramatically.

You’ve also started to pull yourself up on things. If you can just plant those little feet of yours, and grasp something that’s steady enough, up you go. It’s hard work for you, but I guess it gives you a different perception of your world… but you just seem too little to be doing things like that!

Mind you, you are getting bigger. At your last weigh-in you were 6.6kg – though that was with your clothes on. You are small for your age, but so much bigger than your sister was… you actually have meat on your bones, and your thighs have rolls! You are even starting to get into some 00 clothes. I’m fairly sure Mayana didn’t get into that size until she was nearly one!!

It’s no wonder that you’re turning into a fatty-boom though, the way you pack your food away. I foresee big grocery bills in my future! At seven months old Mr Reuben, you are eating two wheetbix for breakfast… that’s the same amount as Mama! Plus, you still cry for your pieces of toast or cruskit afterwards too! You’ve started eating meat these days, but you still don’t like your food too lumpy. I’m not sure if it’s linked to your refluxy issues but you seem to have a super-sensitive gag reflex. That’s all well and good but because of your refluxy issues, a gag generally equates to a puke…. and we’re over puke in this house, so purees for you for a little while longer I think! Mind you, you do enjoy sandwiches and cruskits with vegemite on them, so you are having a go at a few more ‘solid’ foods. These days you have a breastfeed in the morning, wheetbix and toast for breakfast, a bottle for morning tea, fruit or vegies for lunch, a bottle for afternoon tea, vegies, rice and meat for dinner and usually a breastfeed, sometimes a bottle, and sometimes you want nothing (!) before bed. You are content, and you are growing, and that’s what matters.

You love to be tickled, and it’s the one thing that will always make you laugh. Sometimes you do this squealy crocodile noise before you get the giggles, and everyone thinks it’s so funny. You also do this hilarious growly voice, that sounds a little like a Batman voice. Oh and you can pull off a pretty good Chewbacca too! You still love to blow raspberries, and are almost always covered in drool (which is better than puke!) Your newest ‘word’ is Mama!! I think you are actually associating it to me now. Whenever I come and get you out of your casrseat you grin at me and say ‘Mama Mama Mama’. You also yell it at me when I’m taking too long to get one or another of your meals ready!

You are also starting to laugh at things people do… like if they talk to you in a funny voice, or play peek-a-boo with you. Your laugh is just so cute Reubs, I never tire of it! You have quite a big voice compared to your sister, and are very good at getting people’s attention.

We’ve been picking Papa up from work lately, because he broke his bike, and when we get there you scan the room until you spot him and then yell out at him until he comes and takes you. You love your Papa, he can always make you happy. I think Mayana is still your favourite though. You are mesmerised by her… and is she is in your sight you are smiling. She loves to cuddle you and tries to pick you up… but considering you are probably more than half her weight she struggles with this! She loves to make you laugh by blowing raspberries or roaring at you. Her roaring used to make you cry but now you think it is just hilarious! You kick your legs and squeal and laugh in delight – even if seconds ago you were mid scream with tears dripping down your cheeks.

Your sleeping is going well. I always feel it is such a risk writing about this because whenever I do something changes. But at this point in time you are having two good, solid day naps, and sleeping through the night from 7pm-6.30am (ish… sometimes earlier sometimes later). Now if only we could get your sister to figure out how to go to the toilet by herself through the night, Mama and Papa might be able to sleep through the night too!

You’re much more interested in toys now, and Mayana is learning that she needs to share with you. You particularly like her wooden blocks and her duplo.

I’m glad that she’s mostly got toys that can be played with by both of you, although she does have some special things that are just for her. She is mostly patient with you, and knows that if she can give you something to put in your mouth you’ll leave her alone for the most part. You’ve even discovered the ipad! We have a baby app, and when you touch the screen coloured shapes come up and sing and talk to you. You think it’s great fun, and it’s a good way for me to distract you if you are having a moment.

You’re growing up fast my boy, and I love these baby months with you.

Love you darling,

Mama.

Mother’s Guilt

Today I started supplementing Reuben’s feeds with formula, and this has opened a can of worms in my mind.

Despite the fact that Reuben is substantially bigger than his sister was at this same age, over the past few weeks his weight gains have been somewhat dismal. My child health nurse is wonderful, and has not once made me feel any kind of guilty, and has supported me to the hilt with my desire to exclusively breastfeed. For about the past month, Reuben has wanted to feed about every 1.5 hours through the day. Occasionally I can stretch him through to 2 hours but it can be a battle. While he was sleeping well at night, I could deal with this, telling myself that this was the price I paid to sleep well at night. However, for the past two weeks or so, Reuben has decided that feeding 2 hourly at night was also necessary. My wonderful husband has tried so hard to settle Reuben back to sleep without being fed to let me sleep, but the poor baby is actually hungry, and won’t be placated with anything but a feed.

Feeding Reuben anywhere between 10 to 12 times a day is utterly exhausting. Although he is a quick feeder, it takes up a lot of my time and means that I get less time to look after Mayana, the house, and myself. It also means that Reuben’s day sleeps have become terrible, since he is always waking up looking for food. When he feeds he is never still; he kicks and wriggles, pulls off and whinges. He has become less and less happy in general, and there have been days when I feel that all he does is cry.  Today when I took Reuben to be weighed, he had lost ten grams. Lost ten grams in spite of constant feeding. I couldn’t believe it. This is the second time in three weeks that he has pulled a negative number (he gained 200g+ last week and I thought we were well back on track). Alison asked me gently how I thought my supply was going. I honestly hadn’t thought about it. In my mind (and I’m sure I’ve blogged about it), Reuben was feeding more frequently because he was going through a growth spurt and was trying to up my supply. For a few days there I was getting that ‘full’ feeling again, and experiencing letdown when Rueben drank. When Alison asked me that today, I realised that I really wasn’t sure how it was going. I know that for the past few days I have not been able to tell which side I am up to when I’m feeding – which I really should since he only feeds on one side per feed. This I assumed was because he was full, but maybe it’s because he had exhausted himself trying to drink from the first side? I realised that Reuben falls asleep at the breast almost every time I feed him. Maybe because he is relaxed… but again, maybe because he’s exhausted himself?

All I know is that I’m giving him all I’ve got, and often at the expense of the rest of my family… and it’s not seeming that it’s enough.

I don’t want to paint Alison in a ‘typical health-worker who points to formula the second something looks “wrong”’ kind of light, because she is so far from that it’s not funny. Alison asked me today what I thought I should do. No prompting, no ideas or opinions. She told me to trust my instinct. And my instinct told me that Reuben is just not getting enough from me. I hesitantly, and with tears in my eyes, said to her, “I think I need to give him some formula.”

Mother guilt is a strange beast. In that moment I felt wildly guilty, and yet at the same time as though a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. Guilty that I was letting him down by introducing some formula to him, but also guilty that I hadn’t maybe done it sooner and made my baby happier. Relieved that I don’t have to keep putting myself through the stress of this, and then guilty for feeling relieved. Terrified that once he gets a taste of the bottle he’ll reject me completely and just like that our breastfeeding relationship will be over.

The truth is, I haven’t been enjoying breastfeeding lately (ooh and there’s that guilt again). I love the idea that I am nourishing him, I love the special snuggles… but it’s been hard and frustrating and all. the. time. And it’s no fun when it’s like that.

I am at peace with the fact that my children will never be big kids. I know that when I started Mayana on supplement feeds she still didn’t start making massive weight gains, and at 3 years old she’s still only scraping in on the 3rd percentile on the weight graph. I don’t mind if my baby is not chubby or rolly. I am the first one to tell you that there has to be babies at both ends of the spectrum for those graphs to exist in the first place. I don’t want a big baby, and that’s not what it’s about. Even the weight gain thing doesn’t bother me (well, it does when he loses weight, if it’s slow I’m okay with that). What I do want though is a baby who is happy and healthy, and not hungry.

Today when I fed Reuben his first bottle of formula, he laid on my lap and drank. He didn’t fidget or kick or pull off or cry. He laid still and drank and drank, and within about 20 minutes, that 250mL of formula was almost completely gone. I fed him with tears running down my cheeks, telling him I was sorry, but I realise now that it’s okay with him. His tummy is full, it wasn’t a stressful experience for him. Maybe he was even a little bit relieved too. After I fed him, he burped but didn’t throw up. He always throws up, and after watching him guts so much milk, I’m somewhat baffled as to why? It will be interesting to see what difference this formula makes to his vomiting. I wrapped him up, put his dummy in his mouth, and laid him in his bed, with no protest. For the first time in weeks. He’s been in there for nearly an hour now, and I haven’t heard a peep. For the last two weeks, he’s been awake within 40 minutes, looking for another feed.

So yes. I’m relieved. And I’m feeling guilty. But right now, having processed my morning by writing about it here, the scales are starting to tip more towards relieved. I’m still planning on breastfeeding Reuben as well. At this point I will give him two bottles of formula, and 3-5 breastfeeds a day – mainly because this was the pattern that my very wonderful GP in Toowoomba suggested for Mayana when I started her on supplement feeds.

You know what? I’m a little bit proud of myself. Today I made a decision for Reuben, and God knows it was a hard one. I could have fought it and kept going with my two hourly breastfeeds because that’s what I think is the ideal thing. But instead, I swallowed my pride, and my Dutch stubbornness, listened to my Mama instincts and made a decision that I think will be the best one for Reuben… and for Peter and Mayana. Mother’s guilt can go jump.

{3 Months}

My darling Reuben

I can hardly believe that three months has gone already. You are such a part of our lives sweet boy, that it’s hard to imagine that you’ve only been around for thirteen weeks.

This months it feels like you have ‘grown up’ so much. You no longer live by a cycle of eat-poop-sleep. You have lots of happy awake time now, and you are learning new things every day. You smile a lot. Especially at strangers. You are such a flirt when we are out and about, and I even have shopkeepers asking for cuddles!!

You are getting bigger, slowly but surely. You are a bit over 4.5kg now, not too far from doubling your birth weight. When I look back at your sister’s weight records, she was nearly a full kilo lighter at this age than you… so people who give me a hard time about how small you are don’t know what small is!

Baby Maysi

Baby Reuben..

You’ve put yourself into a bit of routine lately. It’s quite flexible – it has to be because unfortunately our days cannot always revolve around you! However you are happy to have your sleeps in the pram, car or sling (oh how you love the sling!), and even if we’re out you still follow your little routine to a degree.

You had been almost sleeping through the night, but over the last week you have reverted to waking a few times (last night was more than a few times *yawn*) to feed. Our lovely child health nurse, Alison, assures me that you are right on schedule for a growth spurt, and that you are busy working on increasing my milk supply. I hope you’re done with that soon!

Another fun thing you have learned this month is that you can control your hands! You think they’re just great, and you delight in getting various fingers and/or thumbs into your mouth and having a good old chew and suck. Sometimes you get a bit over zealous and stab yourself in your gums with your nails, or make yourself gag but shoving your hands too far inside your mouth. When this happens you look at me as if it were my fault!

You also like to grab things with your hands. Sometimes it’s my hands (or Papa’s or whoever happens to be holding onto you), and they also tend to go straight into your mouth for a munch. Just in the last few days you’ve shown a lot more interest in your toys, and you like to hit or grab them or, of course, put them in your mouth.

Playing with your toys in the car…

You are drooling like crazy, and when I had a look in your mouth the other day I spotted two tiny white teeth under the surface of your lower gum. Mayana cut her first teeth at around four months, I wonder if you will beat her, or if those teeth will sit there taunting us for a few more months!

While you smile freely and often, you still haven’t figured out how to laugh yet, and I am so looking forward to the day when you do. You like to make happy coos every now and again, but you’re not much of a chatterbox just yet (give you time, I’m sure!)

Mayana is still one of your favourite people in the world. She makes you so happy, and you give huge gummy grins whenever she enters your line of vision. You seem to miss her when she has her days at kindy, and when she gets home you will not let her out of your sight. You love it when she sings to you, and watching her play is your new favourite  pastime. I know you just can’t wait to be able to get down there and join in! We have been putting you in the bumbo occasionally, and that gives you the opportunity to get a little bit more involved in your big sister’s games – or at least a little closer to them!

Your sister loves to sing to you..

Another favourite activity of yours is bathtime. It doesn’t matter whether it’s in the tub or the shower, you just love being in the water. We have a little towel bath stand that we lay you in in the bath, and you grin and squirm and kick like crazy. If your sister happens to be in the bath with you, you look so happy you could just about bust! In the shower you snuggle into me or Papa, and when we let the water run over your back and head you close your eyes and enjoy the sensation.

Reuben, I just love your guts buddy, and I am enjoying getting to know you. I know that this next month is when you will really start to become super alive and alert, and I’m looking forward to learning more about your personality.

I love you, my precious Sunshine.

Mama

Reuben // One Month

My Darling Boy…

I can hardly believe that it’s been one month since that crazy day that was supposed to be my second-last day of work, and ended up being the day that I met you instead.

… Can hardly believe it because it has gone so incredibly fast, but also because i can hardly remember what my life was like without you in it. What a strange phenomenon.

one day old // one month old

You are such a good little baby. I think you must have your Papa’s phlegmatic temperament, you just cruise along with whatever’s happening. You love to explore your world with those beautiful big blue eyes, and you surprise everyone with how strong you are, lifting up your head to have an even bigger stickybeak!

When the midwives tell me to make sure that I place your head facing alternativing sides each time I place you down to nap, I laugh, because every time I pick you up from a nap your head is facing the opposite direction to where I put it anyway! You’re very clever.

I’m really enjoying getting to know you, and learning what you do an don’t like. For instance; you don’t like having your nappy changed. As soon as you are exposed, you start to scream and keep on going until everything is safely put away. This has turned out to be a good thing in a way, because we have learned to be very fast at getting your new nappy on, which gives us a much smaller chance of being… showered… by you. It still happens on occasion though.

You don’t like the hiccups, which is unfortunate because you get them whenever you need to burp, which is every time you feed of course. You do have very big hiccups through (just like your Mama), and I’m not at all surprised that they make you uncomfortable. Another thing you also do every time you feed is vomit. A lot. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that you have any milk still left inside you!

Apparently, that is not a problem though, because you, young man, are growing like a weed. In addition to the 390g that you regained to get back up to your birth-weight, you have gained a seriously impressive 1.13kg in the last month. When I got you weighed on your 1 monthiversary, you had gained a whopping 440g in one week!! It appears that Mama has full cream milk!!

You do like your milk, and you are a fantastic little feeder.  You also love your big sister, and your Papa. Your Papa is blessed to have been bestowed most of the smiles you have given so far in your little life, and Mayana has had quite a few too. She loves to help look after you, and you are very patient with her when sometimes I know she is being a little overbearing.

Another of your favourite things is bath-time. You don’t mind if it is in the bath or the shower, you just like to be in the water… and you definitely don’t like it when you have to get out!

Your sleeping is going pretty well. You’re a fairly routine baby, and generally like to feed every 3-4 hours, with a nap and a bit of playtime between each feed. At night, you have almost always woken up twice to feed. In the last week or so, you have started to stretch things out a little bit longer. You usually are in bed by 8pm, and wake for your first feed around 2am, which is a nice long stretch, and much appreciated – thank you! You settle well after your feed, and usually sleep again until somewhere between 5 and 6am. Of course, you do have a rough night every now and then, but we’ll forgive you that.

We have discovered and resigned ourselves to the fact that you like to sleep on your tummy. I resisted for a long while, but when it means the difference between a screaming unhappy baby and sleeping settled one… well there’s not really much choice! I have even tried flipping you over to your back once you are asleep, but you cannot be tricked. I don’t blame you buddy, Mama and Papa both like to sleep on their tummies too.

In the last few days you have started to interact with us and things a lot more. You love to look into our eyes, and if we’re lucky we’ll even get a smile! You have discovered the toys on your bouncer, and love to hit them. I even saw you smiling at your giraffe when you managed to get it swinging the other day.

You’re awake more through the days now, although you still have some nice long naps. We have no real routine through the day yet, we just follow your lead and feed you when you’re hungry, and put you to sleep when you start to show your tired signs. So far it seems to be working for us pretty well. You mostly have been having your day sleeps out in the lounge room in the pod, but lately I have been starting to put you in your bassinette in Mama and Papa’s room for at least one of them so that Mayana and I can have some noisy playtime together.

You still sleep in our room at night, but I am looking forward to when you can move across the hallway and in with your sister. I’m just waiting for your night time routine to become a little more settled. You are such a noisy sleeper that you keep Papa and I awake a lot with your grunting and groaning. So often we think you are awake and flick the dim lamp on to check on you and no, you’re sound asleep. Luckily Mayana is a much heavier sleeper than Papa or I, and I don’t think you’ll keep her awake.

I love you little Reuben, and I love having you in our family. I can’t wait to see what this next month brings!

Love Mama

Ramblings of Parenthood

We had our first visit with the Health Nurse today. Her name is Alison, and she was very lovely. I’m looking forward to getting to know her better, and I can already tell that she is going to be a great support.

The services here are great. We can go to the Health Nurse as often as we would like to, and ring them at any time. The clinic can also do milestone checks and immunisations, which takes the pressure off having to find a good GP (it’s soooo hard to get into one here!). They will also see Mayana, so we can do her 3 year old check up and 4 year old immunisations with them as well.

Overall, we have had a very positive experience here. That’s not to say I wasn’t happy with our experience when Mayana was born, but it’s even better here. The midwives we had at the hospital (not just Heather, but the maternity staff in general) were fantastic. They were so supportive, and I didn’t have differing advice being thrown at me form every direction. They didn’t look at me disapprovingly when they saw me offering Reuben a dummy (not that he took it, but that was definitely frowned upon last time!)

The midwives who visited us up to day 5 at home were great. Even when Reuben’s birthweight dropped too low, she didn’t make me feel like it was my fault, and didn’t make me feel stressed or panicked about it. She gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job. And when he gained 200g the next day, she celebrated with me and made me feel awesome.

So anyway, back to today’s check-up. I’m one very excited Mama today, because my little man weighed in at 3.12kg. That’s 550g above his birthweight! It’s a really great feeling to know that my milk is working so well, and that it’s looking like weight is not going to be an issue this time around.

Alison was very happy with our progress, and reassured me that his vomiting is nothing to worry about, even when it’s coming out of his nose. She said to carry on with the demand feeding (although he really seems to be quite a routine baby and it’s generally somewhere between 3 and 4 hours between each feed, with a few cluster feeds in the evening). We seem to be in synch, Reuben and I. Usually I get that  letdown feeling, and within minutes he’s wanting a feed. He also seems to sense the exact moment that I’m sitting down for dinner. He wakes twice at night, and almost always goes to sleep quickly after feeds. Sometimes not, but hey, he is a newborn.. and I now know how quickly this part of a newborn’s life goes past so I’m trying my best to enjoy it all, even when it feels tough.

It’s a different experience the second time around. It’s interesting how much comes back to you, but also the things that you forget.

For instance, I forgot how much labour and birth HURTS. Like, I remembered that it was horribly painful, but I had forgotten the intensity of it and what it actually felt like. I also had almost forgotten how much breastfeeding can hurt at first, and part of you might want to throw in the towel.. but then all of a sudden you realise that latching on doesn’t hurt anymore, and that letdown feeling no longer brings tears to your eyes. I forgot how quickly my body adjusted to being awake for a couple of hours each night. And how those little eyes peering up at you in the semi-darkness makes it all so worth it.

I also feel more relaxed this time around. Even for the labour/birth experience, I just felt so much more in control. I knew what my body was doing, I was more in-tune with it and more ready to listen to it. I think that coming a bit early was a good thing for me, I didn’t have time to finish reading my books and overthink and analyse everything, instead I had no other option than to go with the flow.

I’m better at listening to Reuben and following his cues, and feeding him is coming more naturally. Reuben can’t be my whole world in the same way that Mayana was. I have Mayana to tend to now as well: she has to be fed and dressed and looked after, and sometimes I have to leave one of them waiting and upset with me while I fix up the other. I’m learning to prioritise their needs. Mayana is also a super helpful kid, and I’m also learning that she can help out with a lot more than I have given her credit for or expected from her prior to now.

The two of them take up so much of my time – it surprises me how long it takes us to be ready to get out of the house.. and that’s before even getting any of the housework done! I’m doing my best to keep on top of things, and am mostly happy with my efforts. Peter of course is amazing, and helps out with as much as he can between working and sleeping.

We’re getting there… we’re muddling through and the four of us are still in the process of learning how to cope as the four of us… but we are definitely loving it!